Monthly Archives: October 2012

“Gratitude looks to the Past and love to the Present; fear, avarice, lust, and ambition look ahead . . .” Chapter XV, The Screwtape Letters , C.S. Lewis

“Love to the present.” Hmm. Why did he say “love?” Why not “attention” to the present? We all know that love, according to 1 Corinthians 13, is “patient . . .kind. It does not envy [or] boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

Lewis adds that the Present is the point “at which time touches Eternity.” God would have us be either meditating on Eternity, “or else obeying the present voice of conscience, bearing the present cross, receiving the present grace, giving thanks for the present pleasure.” If we are obeying the present voice of conscience, we are patient, kind, protective . . . if we bear the present cross, we trust, hope, persevere . . . if we receive the present grace, we are saying thank you, arms and eyes lifted up toward heaven.

Presently, I am sitting on the couch. It is a lazy Friday morning with my children playing on me, around me, trying to unplug the computer, asking for a kiss for their stubbed toes, stealing my neatly stacked recipes I have prepared for the following week and shaking them all out over the floor . . . I kiss a toe, put the toy semi and its \\\\\\\ (sorry. . . that was just Sam putting his two cents in!) back together . . . I think about what we’ll have for lunch. I, honestly, thank God it’s 11:53 already. Lunch and naps are almost here, and I will have time to finish this piece in peace.

It has been very difficult for me to accept that there is so little time to pursue my own goals. I have more constraints than most, as I must stay well rested and keep my life in order to maintain my health. I can’t push the envelope and work while the babies sleep; instead, I must lie down and take a nap, too. Where it used to be that I alone suffered if I fell ill, now they suffer as well. My goal in life has become to stay well to mother them well. It’s not sexy; such a goal doesn’t get me published or make money for my family. But to be fully alive, fully present in the present, is enough of a goal for me to pursue right now.

There are days when I look at my life, and all I can see are the minute-by-minute details that don’t seem to matter, that I won’t remember. I love my family; I empty the dishwasher. I love my family; I pull the clothes out of the washer and put them in the dryer. I love my family; I clean the dried, oatmeal-laden wooden high chair AGAIN. I love my big boy; I will sing to him while he sits on the potty. I love my baby boy; I will change the fourth messy diaper of the day. I love my husband; I will try, try, try to not be a screaming wreck when he gets done with work for the day! I love myself, I will go to sleep and not finish cleaning. I love the Lord; I submit this day of unfinished tasks, diapers and dishes up to Him. I ask for strength for tomorrow.

There are days I see the big picture and perform my chores joyfully. There are days I have stood, usually after someone has barfed, peed, or worse on me–crying at the kitchen sink, “I am a waste of an education!” But I know I’m not. The feeling passes. I know that my education is part of God’s plan for not only me, but my children as well. I am humbled by the realization that I am a pitcher to be poured out, not only for my well-being, but for the benefit of those around me. It’s just that I had no idea how gross being a mom was going to be!

Lewis’ idea that now–this moment!–is the point at which eternity touches our experience further encourages me as I sing “Casey Junior goes down the track” to a child on the potty. The more love I pour into this moment, into these precious little spirits entrusted into my care, the more I feel the transcendent power of love radiating through every humiliating task I perform. With every diaper and wipe, I love my family. With every meal prepared and dish cleaned, I love my family. I love my family. They are my present.

I want to leave you with a quote from Walter J Burhardt that I keep in my kitchen for my sobbing-at-the-sink days:

“You must be men and women of ceaseless hope, because only tomorrow can today’s human and Christian promise be realized; and every tomorrow will have its own tomorrow, world without end. Every human act, every Christian act is an act of hope. But that means you must be men and women of the present, you must live this moment–really live it, not\\\\\\\(Sam again) just endure it–because this moment, for all its imperfection and frustration, because of its imperfection and frustration, is pregnant with all sorts of possibilities, is pregnant with the future, is pregnant with love, is pregnant with Christ.”

What is your present? What are the imperfections and frustrations that overwhelm you? How can you fully live out this moment, and see the eternal touching your mundane moments?

God bless you all in your kitchen sink moments.

Taylor

“Gratitude looks to the Past and love to the Present; fear, avarice, lust, and ambition look ahead . . .” Chapter XV, The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis

One of the first things I want to do when I get to heaven–right after hunting my dear son down and loving him a whole lifetime’s worth–is going to be to get in line for a C.S. Lewis lecture. I sometimes fantasize about what it will be like to sit at his feet–maybe his good friend’s, J.R.R. Tolkien’s, too–and listen to them as they smoke pipes and drink beer and toss around theology like a beach ball.

I have studied C.S. Lewis’ works from the Narnia series to A Grief Observed , but continue to carry around the tiny, 93-page The Screwtape Letters because every single page speaks to me. Lewis creates a series of letters in which a senior demon instructs a junior demon on how to distract a young man into hell. One would think the pages of this tiny book would include a series of fantastic stunts, flashy temptations and gory carnality to lure the young man away from God. Instead, the bulk of the demon’s instructions consist of tweaking the young man’s human nature just a tad so that even those things that may appear good can be used to corrupt his heart. Hence, being “saved” or “converted” becomes just another set of avenues the demons may lead the young man down toward a hellish end.

Lewis’ senior demon, “Screwtape,” asserts that the Enemy’s (God’s) will for humanity is to focus on all things eternal, as well as all that is in the Present. The past and the future, really, do not exist. And yet, if we as a race are distracted away from the present and eternity, we are looking backwards or forwards . . . and not usually for God! We get stuck in yesterday’s mistakes and successes. We become transfixed by a two-dimensioned moment instead of the three-dimensional potpourri (or bog) of emotions and circumstances it truly was. We can pick and choose the past, making it what we want to remember (or be haunted by).

I tend to get sucked back into the worst days of my life. Does anyone else? I have a very special brain, which doesn’t help, but still! Why is it that I spend so much more time fixated on the moments of terror and pain, and not the moments of joy in my past? And, why is it that it’s not the magical first kisses, beautiful wedding days, graduations, successes, and birthday parties that we focus on? Why do the bad days tend to define us, while the beautiful small moments of every single day are left uncaptured and thus forgotten?

This week, as part of a Bible study I am doing, I drew a map of the major moments of my life and the lessons I have learned from them. I was so proud of the map, covered in glitter glue mountain ranges, rain drops, rainbows, and suns . . . even though there were A LOT of rain drops. What I saw on my glitterfied life map was not just the events of my life but the way God used every single hardship to show me something new about myself, about Him, and make me more certain that He would be with me tomorrow. Through illness, I have learned HUMILITY, through sin I have learned GRACE and MERCY and EMPATHY, through loss I have learned BROKENNESS, through uncertainty I have found deeper FAITH. In all of these “rain drops,” God was working . . . . for my good, the good of my family, and all those we love. Romans 8:28 is easy to memorize and has brought me great comfort: “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose”. Although sometimes I want to take this verse and shatter it against my living room wall, I KNOW it’s true. He keeps working, and working, and fashioning my tears into glittery rainbows.

I struggle every day. When I am at my whit’s end, wondering how I will breathe and survive through today, I can look back and see HIM all over my life ! And I can be assured that if He was there, He most certainly is here, whether I feel Him or not. Gratitude sprang up as I looked at my completed life map, and I found myself writing at the bottom, “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever” (Psalm 23:6).

I will dwell in the house of my Lord forever. Come what may, He was there and will be there, world without end, Amen.

Gratefully,
Taylor