I have never met McCayla Butler in person, but if you are a fan of Rainbows for Noah, you’ll understand what I mean when I say I feel like I’ve met her heart. McCayla, and her husband, John, have endured more than any couple should ever have to. They have buried two sons, Noah and Isaac, in less than one year’s time. I remember sitting in my car outside the Lifeway store when I heard that they had lost Isaac, after a last-minute plane ride down to Lousiana to meet their new son. I wept for McCayla like she was my sister, because you see, once you share the bond of a child in heaven with another woman, they truly are your sister.
When she announced Baby Miles’ name immediately after finding out his gender, I understood because I did the same thing: defying fear and embracing hope and claiming a future for this rainbow child in spite of the darkness clinging. When you have lost a child, you realize that every moment with a child born and unborn is a celebration. And we rainbow mamas won’t waste one of those precious moments, even if every one is a crazy mix of crushing, soul-tearing heartbreak mixed with deepest joy and gratitude.
When Baby Miles was born alive, we cheered for the Butlers. Then I sighed, and cried again. Because coming home with a rainbow baby is its own unique journey I have yet to put into words. What I love the most about McCayla is that she deeply loves Jesus. And yet, she is so very honest about how deeply her grief has affected to her, what it feels like to lay to rest a person who was supposed to lay you to rest. I treasure her commitment to truth, her commitment to the nitty-gritty, and her refusal to give up. She wrote a sweet blog, about a simple rainbow moment with Miles at Costco, and I wanted to share it because I have thought these same thoughts, and lived these full-circle rainbow moments. Without further adieu, McCayla Butler, everyone:
by McCayla Butler
life is funny sometimes.
last night this happened:
my husband was in line to purchase some delicious costco treats and miles and i were hanging out saving a table.
baby was uncharacteristically gitty. like giggling, throwing his head back and laughing type gitty. it made my heart swell with love and pride. then i got a little self-conscious for a second. if there are people around us who just experienced a loss of a baby or who are having trouble getting pregnant, this blatant scene of baby sweetness could be really hard to see. so i kind of tried to tone it down, but miles wouldn’t have it.
too. much. joy.
then it hit me.
you may recall, last summer i wrote a blog post about going to costco and how hard it was to see a happy couple there with a smiling baby. i had forgotten about it until that very moment with miles.
i ended the post by saying, God willing, in a year or so, my husband and i will be that happy couple at costco. giggling with our rainbow baby whilst chowing down on a $1.50 hot dog. and when others see us i pray they find hope.
it gives me goosebumps just reading that again.
my deepest desire is that miles’ life is a living demonstration of hope. hope in the flesh.
even at costco. may it be so.