Red Vine Spirituality

Taylor K. Arthur balances Bipolar 1 Disorder, marriage, and motherhood with a nitty-gritty faith inspiring a twisted, blissful life.

Heart Mama

This heart beats for you.
For Samuel, 8/2013

For a long time,
i prayed for purpose.
i envisioned dress up clothes
& high heels.
importance.
my name in print.
i asked for destiny,
use of my talents,
education, skill.

Then, God laid you in my arms.
A Fatherly whisper:
“Hold this for a while.”
My body battered–
head-to-toe in bruise and tape—
weary eyes squinted
at your puffy, drugged up face.
I reached for you;
Your tiny body flinch in pain.
“It’s the meds,” they said.

I understood: Meds.
I understood a body flooded
with poison to save a life.
I understood.
So I found a pillow and sat down.
They placed you in my arms,
into your place beneath my heart:
drugged, poisoned, alive.
I stared at the walls and sang to you,
my tears choking,
my heart beating my deepest fears.

Now, two years spent,
I hold you still.
You lean against my chest
still Listening for my heart.
Your puffed up lips and swollen hands
Beg for a relief I cannot give you.
I hold you still.
In the black of night—
Zipper scar and med reactions—
Blood draws and x-rays.
My heartbeat
harbors you from horror.

These days stretch out
And I wonder when you and I
Will move freely into the world as two hearts:
You healthy and strong,
me with something else to beat for.
But for today and endless days,
i surrender as the wine offering poured out upon
the altar of your life.
I am the beat, the hope, the love
God fashioned to guide you through.
I pulse to carry you down this road.

As long as I live,
My destiny lies in yours.
We share singular purpose in
Moving you forward in life.
We share the destiny of
walking this road together.
We share drugs, poison, courage.
We persist.
We share the beat of my heart
The beat that moves us onward,
The beat that fights for you.

1 Comment

  1. Taylor, all I can say is, “sigh”…

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