Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light.
Dear Red Vine Family,
Oh. Wow. I should not be surprised at how big God is, how willing He is to dive into the mess of my life with me. But I still am. And I shouldn’t be surprised that when He decides it’s time for me to–let’s say–finish the most difficult, heart-wrenching project of my life, that He makes sure I move seats TWICE to be in the only section in the very front row sandwiched between my girlies at Living Proof Live this weekend to be–yes–standing up with Beth Moore in front of 6,000 Christian women promising her I will finish my book by June..
No, I shouldn’t be surprised, but I’m still just a little slack-jawed. Finding the strength and the will to finish a project that feels like a willing drown has been difficult in a life that has been–well–something a lot like an unwilling drown. And I’ve wondered why He gave me this burning desire for such a difficult task when my life has not afforded one moment of stillness or wholeness or TIME? Why not give this book to someone stronger, more consistent, healthier than me? Why not give it to someone whose children are all alive and whole, not to Taylor who grieves and struggles and drives her kids to school in her pajamas and sees a therapist on a regular basis?
I do know, with all certainty, that God likes to show off. He pulls deep from the pit the prizes He champions. He likes to show off the crazies and the prostitutes and the drug addicts and the absolutely, completely trashed after He’s done His great work of restoration in them. His power shows up best in weak people. And, like Beth said to me, He brings us to a place of restoration before He allows us to tell our story.
So, here I am, Lord. And I’m just going to relax the reins and allow You to show off. I don’t know what the next few months are going to look like. I’m going to give You my all, and I’m going to live in the URG, and I’m going to trust Your strength. I am going to honor the body you’ve given me, and care for it daily. I’m going to sleep and eat well and rest and be whole. I’m certainly going to prioritize this work, but not pretend I’m something other than what you’ve made me. You said I am very good (Genesis 1:31), so I’m going to trust you on that one.
Here goes, y’all: time to finish. Time to just stinking obey this God who never lets go of me. He’s my life raft in the drown, my light in the darkness. And I’m going to trust Him. I’m going to trust Him with Red Vine, my family, my energy levels, and my prayer life. I’m going to trust that living in His unforced rhythms of grace, obeying His call, will be enough.
Here’s the video from the conference if you haven’t seen it:
Resolute in my weakness,